Last nights sermon was about how many of us wear masks in our lives.

I wear a mask.

Why? I'm not sure. He used the story of Mephibosheth and how he was dropped when he was a baby. How even though Meph was able to sit at the Kings table, he still bore the scars of being dropped. I have been dropped in my past, and I bear the scars of being dropped. He said that for some of us, other people's 'normal' is our miracle. For some, worshipping freely in church is normal, but it would be my miracle. Being able to speak in tongues on a frequent basis to some is normal, but for me...the times I am able to break through to that is so few and far between that it is a miracle for me.

My mask has become so common to me that I cannot hardly tell the difference in what is me and what I am hiding behind. Who am I? I don't know. I don't know what I fear if somebody saw me behind the mask. Am I afraid of the horribly disfigured person they would see? Am I afraid that they would be shocked in horror and run away? Would I be ashamed to see the scar that a few splinters in my past have caused? Or would I be shocked to realize that I'm not as disfigured as I think. Why do I struggle with things others seem to have to problem with? Why, when I go to church, do I struggle through my worship and never really feel God? Is it me? Some say it actually is not entirely me but a spirit in the church. Okay...fine, I can agree partially with that. However, aren't I worshipping GOD? Can't he reach past the issues in church and "fetch me" as the preacher said last night.

I am not living the life I want. I work, then I go to church and just HOPE that something will be different this time around. That maybe this will be the service where I find what I am looking for. Most services I walk away having barely felt God. Then on days when there is no church, I usually just do my errands then come back to my apartment. On the good days friends will call me to go out to hang with them...those are my favorite days.

I've heard that the young marrieds might be having a New Years Eve party. That would include all of my friends. However, not being married...I will not be included in this party. Not sure what I'll be doing for New Years Eve if this does happen. It would be nice if they didn't make it an "official" young marrieds deal and would invite me. They probably won't think about it though...although I did say in reply to the email that told me about this (a friend of mine had mentioned having a New Years party at her house and I was encouraging the idea, but then she told me about this possible party) I said "awwwww, but that means I won't be able to come if it's a Young Marrieds deal!!" So maybe it'll occur to her to perhaps see if I could come or something. I don't want to just invite myself ya know lol But I want to go for sure.

We had a message in tongues last night. I wish I could remember all that it said...if my friend gets online I'm going to maybe ask her. She was one of the ones who gave the "tongues" portion and she has told me that often she can understand the words that she is saying and can interpret it to herself. So she might have, in a way, gotten to hear it twice. Plus she probably just has a better memory then me. It went directly along with the sermon though, talked about how he is just waiting for us to put our hand in his. I wish this could be literally done...because I'm not entirely certain how to do it in the spiritual world. I mean, I think I do...but I don't see that anything has really happened as a result of it, so I'm not sure. I know I can't be the only one, but sometimes I feel like I struggle so much more with things that other people have no problems with. For instance, there is one person who I know (and I'm really not trying to judge here lol) I know she is doing things she shouldn't be doing on a regular basis. Yet when she comes to church she is able to worship and I hear her speaking in tongues. Is she able to repent and come through to the Holy Ghost every service? Where I, try to live the best I can during the week and can't hardly feel God? I don't understand that. I know some things we just aren't meant to understand though.

Preacher also said that some of us have gotten so close to the victory that we can smell the food on the table and that's when the devil kicks in and we get confused and lose our way. We get distressed because we no longer know which direction we are going in. I want to get the victory. More so, I need to get the Victory. I know I am not living the life God intended for me to live. He does not intend for me to go to church hoping for this to be the time I get what I need. He doesn't want the highlight of my week to be hanging out with my friends (not that there is anything wrong with that, I just mean that he means for me to have bigger things happening in my life) Not saying I need to be a missionary...but even right here in my own town working at the same job. He intends for me to have a better and more productive life. How do I get to that place? How do I find Him?

This post has been as much of a prayer as it has been just mere ramblings. This actually started out as a prayer and then I decided to post it. They are honest questions from me, asked to God who spoke to us last night saying that he wants to take my hand. He wants to take care of my scars and make my life better. I want for him to. I want for Him to take my hand and wipe my tears. I want him to use me and enrich my life...and help me to enrich somebody elses by showing them who He is.

But how?