I bought a PS2 Thursday night. I only bought it because I want to play Guitar Hero haha Only I haven't bought GH yet because I can't afford to buy both at the same time. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll be able to get GH. I did get 5 used games though for really cheap. I might go today and return them for something else but I don't know, I have a lot to do today.

Last night was a blast. I worked until 6PM and then my friend's husband dropped her off to me, and we met 2 of the teen girls from our church at Red Lobster. Then we went shopping and ended up back at Burger King for milkshakes mainly because everything was closing but BK was opened until midnight. We left BK at pretty close to midnight. Leaving BK we saw a really bad wreck happen. The passenger girl got out and looked like she was about to throw up but instead she just collapsed on the ground. There was a drug bust or something going on across the street and so there was already about 4 cop cars over there, they all rushed over to the wreck scene to help out. Then I went to my friends house and we played Xbox for about an hour and a half then left. I got home about 2AM. It was sooo much fun and it made me sad to think they are leaving soon probably. After last night and how much the teen girls opened up to her it made me really want them not to leave. I think the girls are really starting to get comfortable with them and they opened up a LOT. It will be a shame for them to reach such a comfort level and then have to leave. Of course I know that they are likely to remain here hopefully until August which is another 8 months...but I know how quickly that will fly by. Oh well, it's all in God's hands. If He wants them to stay here, He will make a way or impress it on them to stay. It's just hard to accept when God does things that aren't what we want.

We have a preacher coming to our church tomorrow who we all love to pieces. He is married this time though so that'll be fun to see him married lol He's an awesome preacher though and I always love it when he comes.

I'm so ready for my church to totally bust loose. People talk like it's easy to have a move of God...but it's different in my church. Even our Youth leaders who came in from the outside say they can feel it. There is a hindering spirit in our church BIG time. They say they have a difficult time worhsipping the way they normally would. It's sort of a relief to know that because for YEARS I've wondered what was wrong with me. I might worship my heart out in church but not really feel God at all. I'm looking forward to Winter Retreat, I NEED Winter Retreat, I think we all do. We just need something away from our home church and the hindering spirit there. You see, I think there is a demon in our church. Honestly. I've seen it and others have too. I think it is the spirit of hinderance or something along those lines that has set up home there. Everyone feels it when they come in. Those of us who attend church there have grown accustomed to that feeling, but when new people come in they are shocked at how different the worship is and how hard it is to worship freely. We've literally seen it too. I've seen it on several occasions, it looks just like it's the shadow of a person walking by. When I've been downstairs I've seen it upstairs. Once when just 3 of us where at church 2 of us saw it walk by in the hallway. One person was praying at the altar and said he felt like something was flying above him circling him. At the time he didn't know about this thing that we see often, and after we told him about it, is when he told us about what he felt. He's our youth pastor so I know he wouldn't just make up a story. It's never when we are creeped out that we see it or anything...it's not like we are in an empty church and imagining things. It's when we are least expecting it. When 2 of us saw it at the exact same time at church once, we actually were practicing a skit and laughing a whole lot. When it walked by we both gasped at the exact same time and looked at each other. The question is, how to rid of it? It has managed to abide in our church for many years now. It is comfortable and will allow us to reach a certain level of worship without being worried but then after a few services we get shut down. Or we allow ourselves to be shut down I suppose. I know that God can take care of it...but why hasn't he?

I must have something to take place in our church. I have a very very hard time breaking through in the spirit. I don't know the last time I spoke in tongues was and I don't like that. If it is possible I have a very low spiritual self esteem. I want to feel God totally saturate me 100% and get a blessing unlike anything I ever have before in my life. I want to be changed. The question is...how? I try and try to break out of my comfort zone at church but it's very hard. I often am worshipping but not feeling God at all. My favorite worship song right now is "Draw me Close to You never let me go...I'd lay it all down again to hear you say that I'm your friend. You are my desire, no one else will do." That's my favorite line...'you are my desire, no one else will do' Because I want it to truly be how I feel. It's strange to me that there are some who have said they admire my walk with God. I hardly feel I have a walk with God. Not only do I feel like I stumble alot, but often I feel like I'm just sitting there not going anywhere. I hate feeling like that, I know God has more for me to do in life then what I'm doing now. I hate that I'm not fulfilling it. But I don't know how to. I thought that by the time I was 28 I would have things figured out, I felt like all the things I struggled with would have worked themselves out. But nope...I guess nobody ever really works out everything. But it seems I shouldn't let my church keep me from a move of God that I need, but how is that possible? I can't figure out how to bust out like I need to and want to. Is it really just a matter of me busting out, or can I really lay some of the blame on circumstances out of my control? Not that I'm trying to not take responsibility because I certainly could improve in my day to day stuff with God although lately I have been trying to talk to him a lot more as though he's just a friend I would call on the phone. Trying to bring him to the point of literally being my best friend...so that "no one else will do" It's hard though.