My camera is sickly

I was supposed to take pictures for a wedding this weekend. Not the actual wedding itself, but the rehearsal and dinner, and then while the bride is getting dressed. On Sunday I was checking out my memory cards trying to get a number on what I should shoot the pictures in, and how many pictures I was going to be able to take without taking some off and putting them on my laptop. And then, disaster struck. I'm not certain how, but when I took one of the memory cards out it bent one of the prongs inside. The camera would not even come on after that. My friend's "oh so handy" husband has had it since Sunday night, he nearly assures me that he can fix it. No word yet on it's condition, I'm guessing he hasn't had a chance to look at it. He says he'll probably have to take it apart to fix it. But since he's an engineer I figure he can handle it. He knows I need it back by Friday night, so maybe he'll work on it tonight to give back to me at church tomorrow night. I really hope he can get it to work. It figures that my first real chance to take some meaningful pictures and my camera is sick.

I bought some boots this weekend that I really liked. Until somebody said "Oh yeah, those are just like soandso's." Now I don't want them. I'm considering returning them and if anybody asks I will just say "Oh I wore them once and they didn't feel good" or something like that. They're the sort of funky boots that you don't want anybody else to have them. Plus, people sort of talk about the way this girl dresses lol So I don't want to have boots like her.

Cold weather brings out the Martha in me

Yep...that's right. I'm now officially a gifted Chicken and Dumplings maker too. It's quite simple and makes GREAT leftovers. I've made it twice and this time tasted better then the last time...I wonder how good it'll be 5 times from now?? I'd say my recipe rivals my mom's chicken and dumplings on tastiness. Is it possible that I'll turn out to be a better cook then she? That'd be awesome cause she's pretty good.

I don't know if anybody reads this at all anymore, but if you are out there. Please pray for me. I have a huge issue to come across my path, perhaps the largest and most important one in my life so far. Whether it is part of this journey I have decided to take on, I'm not certain, but it could be. That is what I have to figure out. If what I am feeling is God's will or if I am trying to avoid something. I'm nearly positive it is not the latter, but I am not 100% certain if it's God's will or not, mainly because not enough time has passed to be sure. I've only been thinking about it for a few days. But I do know that something has to change.

I am currently eating cheesy potato soup. That I made. From scratch.

It's quite tasty too!!! I'm proud of me.

I applied online for a nanny job in my town. It would be full time and $10 an hour. We shall see!!

On a side note...I think my sister might be pregnant. In case you are wondering, no she isn't married. I'm not 100% certain but she seems to be putting on some weight in some key areas, eating differently and acting differently. She also was very interested in a girl at our church who is pregnant over the weekend...asking questions she normally would not have. I started thinking it back on Winter Retreat weekend when she made a comment quite loudly that she was late. I think she might have been testing the waters for a reaction. It's almost been a month now since then and I had already been thinking it then, that she might be. We shall see and I will keep this posted when I learn more.

Who needs a job anyway?

So, I have been on probation at work for about 4 months now (It's a 6 month sentence) but today I received an email stating that last week I cashed an $80 check for a man when on his account was *clearly* a note stating not to cash those checks for him. The only thing I can think of, is that I simply looked at the wrong check when seeing if the check was off the bank they had specified, because I know that I've read the note on that account many many many times because this man comes in there all the time. Normally, this would not be any sort of punishment at all, they would just pull you into the office and tell you to be more careful, since it's only $80. However, since I am already on probration this puts a different spin on things. When you are on probation anything over $20 is handled differently. I don't know if they will just slap my wrist, give me 3 days off without pay, or fire me. Honestly any of the above is possible. If they have been trying to figure out a way to rid of me, this will be their perfect opportunity. However they had the opportunity to fire me when I made the initial mistake that put me on probation to begin with and they did not. So perhaps just 3 days unpaid will be what I get. Although I prefer just a slap on the wrist lol but I seriously doubt I'll be that lucky unless God just intervenes. Oh man, I just lost internet connection. It's so fickle...although I'm stealing it so can I complain? Back to my job issue...I was in Walmart tonight and I thought...ya know, I can always come back to Walmart. I've worked there before and it wasn't to bad. Less stressful that's for sure, even if I would have to stand all day which I am sooo not used to doing haha I just know that Walmart is a place I could go to and most likely have a job within like 2 or 3 days.

We have a revival scheduled in March with Bro Narlock and I am quite pleased about this. I only just heard him preach last weekend or so and he was wayyyy awesome.

Okay my internet is back so I shall post quickly!!

I know it is going to appear that this post along with the previous two were posted on the same day, but they were not. A few days seperates each one, but due to some internet issues among other issues, I have posted them on the same day even though they were written on different days.

My supervisor at work, tends to have one person who she adores, and one person that she despises and therefore picks on constantly. I have never been the one she adores, which is fine by me. I have however, been the one she despises. I was until a new girl transfered from another branch and it became her. But she complained about her, and our supervisor got into trouble for treating her so poorly and she apologized to her. Unfortunately, I can feel her gaze shifting back to me. When you are her least favorite, pretty much anything you do is wrong. For instance, she was saying the other day that she has "actually seen somebody writing personal emails with mail to be done sitting on their desk" Um, yeah that was me. However, what she chooses not to see is that I had already ran about 50 pieces of mail (this would mean when somebody mails in a deposit or loan payment) and was going cross eyed so I decided to stop for a minute and email somebody before going back to it. Also, she doesn't see that I NEVER leave mail to be done the next day, where others do. They don't say anything they just set it in the back before they leave and never tell anyone what they've done. Yesterday she decided that she didn't want my jacket hanging from the back of my chair. She didn't say anything to me at all about it, just as she walked by she grabbed my jacket and took it with her and hung it in her office. I didn't say anything to her about it either. I will try very very hard to "turn the other cheek" while she makes me her despised one. It is common knowledge that she always has somebody she hates. Her favorite right now, who we refer to as the "golden child" is somebody that absolutely everybody cannot stand. Nobody quite knows why either, she is just one of those people that you automatically can't stand. She never leaves work on time, if she is supposed to leave at 4PM we're lucky if she's gone when we lock the doors at 5PM. She just fiddles around doing junk...all while getting paid. She calls in late at least once a week and never gets in trouble. I am supposed to be at work at 7:45AM and my boss told me that "this clocking in at 7:46AM and 7:47AM just is NOT going to cut it" Which I do understand the importance of being on time, however since I am the one she is currently despising, I will not ever do anything good enough. So while I am struggling to be extra careful to be perfectly on time, be extra careful that there is absolutely no work to be done before I send an email to somebody...my coworkers are late and playing on Myspace all day long, and texting their friends. Am a jealous? Yeah a little bit I suppose. I prefer to be neither the despised or the Golden Child. I would rather be somewhere in between, flying below the radar. However, I come off probation in March and after that I can post out if any jobs come available. So long as I manage to stay off probation that is. I seem to have a difficult time doing that...once I come off it something happens and I end up right back on it again. I don't want to leave the credit union, but I do want to have a different job.

Okay, so enough about work...

I am 1.5 weeks into my new spiritual diet. I would like to say that things are fantastically wonderful and that church is awesome and all of that. In reality I got up last night and walked out on my pastor because I did not agree with what he was preaching about. He went off on a tangent about how playing poker with the chips will send you to Hell because if you play that, then soon you'll be going to the casino. Yes, I do understand what he was saying...but it was the manner he was expressing it in. He went on for about 15 minutes before I had had enough and went to the bathroom. I was not the only person thoroughly in disagreement with him. Not long after I got up our Youth Leaders wife came in there after me. Towards the end of church I went back out and found 6 or 7 people in the hallway because they did not want to listen to him anymore either. I'm talking Sunday School Teachers, and the person who lead the service was out there too...not just people who come half the time or anything like that. I want to go to church to learn and be taught about the bible. Not to go to bible study to listen to him ramble on about junk. The whole thing came because he heard that another church was playing poker with the chips. He doesn't know that at our Youth Christmas party we played Texas Hold 'em with the chips. We want to go to church and learn about the bible. I want to go and be taught proper ways to pray and reach God, I want to go to church and be encouraged. Last week he said none of us had any business being in the mall because of all the "freaks" and that we should all be in bed by 9PM at night. So...you see what he is doing? He is preaching against things that are riduculous and at no time is he teaching us about the bible. My pastor is 72 years old, and quite honestly, I think it is time he retire. I am getting no teaching at church whatsoever unless our Youth Pastor preaches, and so I have resorted to listening to preaching online. It is the only source of nourishment I am receiving. Our Youth Pastor says the same thing. The problem is...what about the people who aren't quite that dedicated? If the only teaching they are getting is at church, then they aren't getting fed at all.

As my internet is not working, I must use other means of writing my thoughts down until I can get back to my online journal. When that happens, I will post this.Today I began the second week of my experimental journey to find God. I was driving to work today and was sort of praying…I really was just chatting to God. I was about to pray the words “God, be with me today” and it occurred to me that I was praying that wrong. I should really be praying “God, help me to be with You today” You see, He is always with us. It is us, who is not always with Him. I’ve turned myself from asking for a blessing to asking how I can bless Him. Will any of this truly make a difference? I don’t know. We’ll see.Like any dieter, they want to lose weight and they tend to crash diet. Eating nothing but salad not allowing themselves sweets or chips or soda. These diets never work. Such is with a spiritual diet. I have found myself in the past wanting to go totally God. I would feel guilty if I did something that did not edify God. If I read a book (I am quite fond of Harry Potter) that did not help me spiritually, I would feel a bit of guilt for not spending that time doing something that would help me spiritually. I found myself feeling that way today for a moment. Then I had to step back and compare my spiritual diet to my physical diet. Perhaps I may compare my reading Harry Potter (or any other book or movie or activity such as playing Guitar Hero) to eating an ice cream cone. Is the ice cream cone good for me? Not really, in that it has no nutritional value. Is it bad for me? No, not unless that is all I eat. Compare that to my spiritual life…is playing video games good for me? Well, they have no spiritual nutritional value. Are they bad for me? No, not unless that’s all I do. Therefore, it’s okay to create a balance in our activities with those that involve God and feeding our spiritual selves, and those activities that are simply fun. Is it possible to be a spiritual bulimic? Binging on church and anything spiritual so that everyone can see that we are okay. But in secret we are throwing it all up. I can’t quite wrap my brain around that comparison just now. But I know it is there and that I will eventually have a good point with it. A spiritual eating disorder.The bible is a VERY overwhelming book to try and read. Luckily this time around, the radio program I listen to has been doing a study on Nehemiah for a week now. This has allowed the bible to only be the book of Nehemiah for me the last week. I am only up to chapter 4...however I know more about Nehemiah then I ever have in my entire life. I am learning about the man who was Nehemiah. Each time I have picked up the bible I have turned to Nehemiah. I will continue to do my study on him until I know him inside and out. Then I will pick a new person or book to study. The bible is sort of like those books that has 3 or 4 books inside. Kind of like the new Chronicles of Narnia book where they have all the books into one book. I know this doesn’t seem like a revelation or anything that I’ve had. But for me it is. I have often viewed the bible as one book with 66 chapters. Now, I see each of the 66 individual books.It is time for me to delve into the book of Nehemiah again. Yesterday I started reading chapter 4 and I will continue to read it tonight. Pray my internet starts working again. Hopefully I will be able to post this soon.

Last year, 2006 about this time, I decided to try and lose weight. I set a low goal for myself - one pound a week. I slowly succeeded and lost a total of 25 pounds over the course of a year. This year, I am attempting to apply the same concept to my spiritual life. It's a bit more difficult to manage because I don't have a set of scales that will measure my spiritual health. I can't plug in some numbers on the internet and find out what my soul mass index is. So I'm left a bit on my own here to watch for progress. Last Sunday is when I decided to start on this journey. I have to remind myself, that in the beginning of losing weight, it was very very hard and nobody noticed. I couldn't tell a change in myself at all. Other then stepping on the scales, there was no evidence for a long time that anything was happening. Therefore, I have to remember that this time. Just because I studied my bible every day last week and prayed every day...I'm not super spiritual one week later. It's one pound at a time. Am I closer to God today then I was last Sunday? I'm sure I am. I've already had to rely on him for an answer. Let me tell you the situation.January is going to be an expensive month for me. I got a traffic ticket that I have to pay for ($128) and also my car taxes are due this month ($112) add those to my already pretty loaded down budget and it is hard to imagine how I would pay for those. Even with my new raise which will be about $120 extra a month. Last week was my first check with my raise and I can't imagine how I didn't have any money lol I gave my tithes on last check though, which honestly is something I struggle with remember to do. According to the statement I get from the church on my 2006 tithes, I gave them right at about half the time. I made $20,000 last year and paid just under $1,000 in tithes. So that's about half of what it should have been. So anyway, somewhere around Thursday it becomes clear that I'm going to be pretty broke. I had $88 in my checking acct with my $80 tithe check yet to clear and pay day is a week away. So I had $8. The answer to me, was clear. My work owes me apx $700 for school reimbursement. So I was praying for that to hurry up and get processed so that it would cover my bills. Well, after Friday came and went and I had no money (they normally deposit that money on Friday's) I knew I had to go a different direction. So...I decided to just pray for wisdom on how to handle my current money situation. On Saturday morning it occurs to me that I have my W-2's and that I could take it to the tax people and get a check the same day. So I decided how much money I really wanted to get back and what I would be willing to pay to get my money same day. I decided that as long as I walked away with at least $900 that it would be worth it. So I went, and I walked away with a check for $956 that I will deposit tomorrow.For me, this is the first landmark, or memorial, on my new journey. This is a time that God taught me not to pray for what I think the answer should be. But to pray for wisdom. I was listening to a preacher last week and he was talking about how it is not our place to worry about the "stuff" of life. Food, clothes, shelter, none of that is our concern. God said we would never go hungry that he would always provide for us...if we would keep our eyes on him. My job, is to focus on Him and make him my number one priority and He will take care of the "stuff" in my life. Week one in my journey I have already had to rely on him and he came through for me. Was it how I thought he would? Nope. But it worked anyway. I believe I am going to give $100 of that to the youth dept...but not tell them who it is from. I'll just slip it into the offering. There is a preacher that our youth pastor really wants to have come preach for us, but over the weekend said that the youth account doesn't have the money in it, and that we would need to pay him at least $100 to come preach. So, I will give that to them. I really like being able to give people money. I wish I were extremely wealthy because I would buy my friends things all the time. They would never pay if they ate out with me, and I would always be slipping them money. Maybe someday! I wanted to log this experience in this journal of my journey. I am just an ordinary person who is experimenting with God. Some would not like that word "experimenting" but I can't help but use it. I feel like that is what I am doing...my attitude is sort of, I'll do this and just see what happens. It was my attitude when I lost weight. I have no idea where this is going to lead me, or what lies along my path ahead. All I can do is take it week by week. Last week is over and I think I lost a bit of weight and gained just a little bit of knowledge. Nothing major, nothing that anybody would look at me and suddenly see a super spiritual person. But it is a small step on my journey. I'm hoping if I chronicle my journey I will see patterns in the highs and lows. When I am low I can read back on the highs and when I am high, I can remember that the lows are coming back around inevitably. A preacher this weekend preached about how close we are to our miracle. I can't say that I know what my miracle is that I am in need of, but I am in need of something. God has been tugging at my heart ever since I can remember and I've never fully given myself to Him. We will see where this journey leads me.